I can go nowhere else.

I can go nowhere else...

Myriad paths stretch tantalizingly before me like the elaborate veins of rich red coral; bending and twisting in all directions from this central point. The clear water in front of me undulates, coaxing and tempting me. Each temperate exhortation adds to the siren song of possibility, of opportunity, of chance. I am intrigued, longing to follow and yet, I can go nowhere else.

The clear water is a tease, for I am mired in a dark, dank soup of disappointment, with failure and fear clinging stagnantly to every limb – every hope – every desire. The swamp of life has risen steadily… gloopy, gloppy, sticky and thick… so thick that it is exhausting to breathe and impossible to step forward.

Quicksand is a bit of an oxymoron because you cannot move quickly through the gelatinous mud. In fact, the faster you move, the deeper you sink, as if a slimy black beast is chewing and chewing, preparing to swallow you whole. The trick is to float. Yes, float in the muck and the mire of swampy gunk… float like a ballerina with arms extended, gracefully, lightly and slowly…oh so imperceptibly slowly towards the terra firma, the hard edge, the place that is solid.

This, then is my challenge now; to learn to be lighter, to let go of past regrets and hurts, of missed opportunities, of the should-haves and the what-if’s… to set my spirit free and to learn to float.

I imagine myself easing gradually towards the perimeter – not yet within reaching distance, barely discernible to the eye, and yet real. There. Shimmering on the horizon… no mirage this time but a goal, a destination, a decision of direction.

And so begins the painful work of casting ballast; determining what goes and what stays – what has true value and what is just extra weight slowing me down and impeding my progress. I must choose buoyancy in order to reach firm ground.

Then - and only then can I stand tall and call down the welcome rains of truth to wash away the muddled crusty detritus of putrid stagnancy and bring forth the bright, shiny soul for all to see. And once I have my light, I can turn towards any of the tempting twisting paths laid out before me, and I can step forward… with ease.

written on December 10th, 2011